It’s been a whole three weeks since you came into the world. I really want to write “kicking and screaming” at the end of that sentence, but the truth is you came into this life a bit purple and quiet. I don’t know how long I held you on my chest before you were whisked away by the nurses; it can’t have been more than 45 seconds. Your dad stood in between me and the mob of people caring for you, telling me and himself that everything was OK. I stared at your tiny purple leg, all I could see of you from the hospital bed, and felt my thumping heartbeat fade. It seemed like forever that the three of us stayed like that, the only ones still in a room of frenzied activity. In reality you were pink and wriggling within ten or fifteen minutes; you screamed, and we exhaled.
Everything since then is a bit of a blur. It feels as though the world is rushing by like one of those time-lapse scenes in a movie, while your dad and I are just standing there like dummies staring at you and making stupid noises. One day when you’re older, we’ll tell you about how we couldn’t agree on a boy name while I was pregnant, so you spent your first day on the outside still being called Peanut. We’ll tell you how we named you after a character on a TV show that we watched together when we first started dating. Your dad will tell you how he pretended to like the show for me, learning all the character names so he could keep up the act and win me over. I’ll tell you how your dad was really into Downton Abby and was 100% invested in the story line but will never admit it (but for real we both know he was invested in Daisy’s love life!)
You’re only 21 days old, but you have us completely wrapped around your tiny finger. I’m pretty sure I pushed both you and my sanity out of my body… and clearly we only came home with you. If anyone or anything else had caused me as much physical pain and discomfort as you have, I would hate them/it.. but here I am, literally crying in pain while I nurse you, staring at your little face and whispering total nonsense at you like “ohmygodiloveyournosesomuch.” Yep, I’ve lost my mind.
Your dad and I are doing pretty well though, considering we’re newbies. You are*knock on wood* an incredibly good baby… you’re chill, so we’re chill. It’s great. We don’t know/remember any nursery rhymes, so we sing totally made up songs at you where we name all the things on your face, or tell you about the pattern on your onesie. Or just sing random words at you. Your current favourite is called “baby powder diaper cream tiny toes” and obviously we expect it to top the charts this summer. I’m working on a follow up hit called, “sshh sshh sshh, Mummy needs a coffee,” so stay tuned for that bad boy.
Peanut, soon you’ll be one month old; the time is already flying. I find myself trying to hold onto small moments already, to burn them into my brain before they’re gone. You’re changing so fast that I’m scared I’ll forget little things about you, when there’s so much I want to remember. I want to remember your tiny peeling baby feet, that always seem to poke out of even the tightest swaddle. I want to remember your silky sheen of baby hair, which is barely there but still a solid improvement on your mother’s newborn baldness. I want to remember the way you hold your hands when you’re sleeping, always touching your face or clasped over your chest. I want to remember the tiny little purring noises you make in your sleep, and the way you smile in satisfaction right before a particularly loud poop. I especially want to remember your hilarious yell-sneezes, that sound exactly like your dad’s but in a tiny baby voice. And, I want to remember the way you look wide-eyed at us when we speak and how talking total nonsense to you seems to soothe even the most upset moment.
Most of all, I want to remember these first weeks and how loved you are by so many people. We are so lucky to be able to bring you into the world surrounded by people that are head over heels in love with you. You’ll never be short on snuggles or hurting for attention; I suspect you’ll actually be totally coddled and I will spend a large portion of my life trying to stop everyone spoiling you. You won’t understand or appreciate it for a long time, but let me tell you- that’s a wonderful problem to have. For now, you’re just going to have to deal with endless cuddles and kisses and me staring at you for hours on end…life could be worse!
The Lady with the Milk